A selfish impuslive act

A true definition in my thought, suicide should be called. You ask why say such a thing? It is true… I’ve also been in that deep, deep, dark state of mind before. 5 plus years to be more accurate.

What really gets under my skin when people committee suicide, then their peers post about how much they will miss them and how great of a person they were. Have you ever thought, if you had told that person that before they made that selfish impulsive act, they honestly probably would still be here. Why tell them all these incredibly nice thoughtful things when they are no longer here? It doesn’t make sense, because that person is not going to see those thoughts or hear what you have to say about them because they are gone and they are not coming back. I may be blunt but this is serious no joking matter. Honesty needs to be spoken, in this particular situation or topic. People who are in that low state of mind need friends. Not just friends to ask hey how are you and they answer ok, it’s going that next step. Going past surface level, really getting deep with them. That is a good, true friend. Because being surface level with someone who is so incredibly sad is that last thing they need. Making them a priority, of actually taking time out of your day and really getting to know what’s up. Not the casual nonchalant every other day conversation you would with them, but really getting in touch with their inner emotions. When I was in this dark time of my life, I didn’t have any who really cared that much, I had only surface level “friends”. Selfish of them? Yes. I have come close to suicide, I have had those nasty evil thoughts go through my head; I was at my lowest, that I have ever been. But you know what happened, I didn’t do it. I was not going to take that selfish impulsive act and create so much hurt for others around me that do not deserve that. Genesis 1:21 “so god created the large sea animals and every living thing that moves in the sea. The sea is filled with these living things, with each one producing more of its own kind. He also made every bird that files and each bird produced more of its own kind. God saw that this was good.” He is the giver of life and death. So taking your life when maybe it was not your time is so incredibly selfish. You could have made such a great impact in this world. However, you, deciding you didn’t want to go through pain and suffering anymore, makes it ok to end your life, when in fact, life is all about ups and downs. It is not a fairytale, we are going to have struggles and we will fail. That will just make you a much stronger person, you may not see it now but later on it will make sense. Look at a situation where you have been in, thought you could not overcome it but did somehow?? Because you are a overcomer! You are stronger than that! Obviously the last thing I wanted was God, being raised in a Christian home that was the answer I was given most of the time. However, It could not be truer, lightness cannot be around darkness. I was in that awful state of mind and the last thing I did want is Jesus. The enemy does not want that, he does not want you to go to the light. He wants all power over you, though YOU have a CHOICE weather to listen to those vile lies or ignore those thoughts and go to the light. As cliché as that sounds, it is so true. I went to the light; I was not going to live in those thoughts anymore. Why? Because Jesus is not of death, pain, suffering, hurt, evil, pathetic, annoyance etc. I decided to choose, with my own free will to ask Jesus for help. He did, He saved me from making a selfish impulsive act and hurting my loved ones so incredibly much. After that, life was not sunshine and flowers. From being 5+ years in of being in that state of mind, it was going to take more than a day to recover. All those emotions, thoughts and lies bottled up inside needed to mend. It will take time and patience is really a virtue. I had to tell myself, it was not going to be easy, with Jesus I only knew it was going to be much harder. Not acting upon selfish acts, because Jesus is not of selfishness, He is of selflessness. I asked for a revelation of His love, joy, and peace. I didn’t get in that minute. I was upset and wanted to give up again. However, I realized I needed to be more patient, really be open and just wait for His answer, with no expectations. I know how dumb this all may sound, because I was there. I always thought this whole God thing was dumb and to go too Him for everything, but really He is a man of Miracles. I just continued to pray, to talk to the open air and just tell Him all my vile evil thoughts. Why? Because He knows I am thinking those and when telling Him those thoughts I had, it changed my life. I was so incredibly raw and organic with Him, because He wants us to come to Him like that, no hiding, no make-up. Raw. Organic. I felt so much comfort, support and love I’ve never felt before. He is an unconditional God, will always have and will always be there not matter what. (Deuteronomy 31:6) If I can overcome that act and those thoughts, SO CAN YOU! Why? YOU ARE AN OVERCOMER. YOU ARE RIGHTEOUS AND CAN REST IN HIM. I had no one to turn too, so I just started praying or talking to the air, claiming if something out there, to help me right now. He did! As I said before, I am here today writing this. Wanting to reach out to others, wanting to shed some light on your life. I know what you are going through, I understand you are hurt, scared, feeling hopeless and sad. I get it!! So me being a friend I am and called to be, I want to know if you are not ok, you can come to me! I’m so exhausted, hurt and annoyed with all these suicide stories I hear and know about. Stop being selfish, stop believing those lies, stop thinking you are worthless and life would be better without, because that’s NOT TRUE! You are here for a reason and you should live it out till your time has come. I want to be that friend, stranger or not, that’s just another roadblock you’re putting up, when you have someone right here, wanting to listen to you. I am offering my time to you. Because YOU are a priority to me, the last thing I want is someone writing on your Facebook wall, Instagram or twitter saying how much he or she will miss you. I understand they are sad and grieving but why wait to say that when it will mean that much more when you are alive. I will tell you in the moment of us spending that quality time together, because you deserve to hear that before you make a horrible mistake. For anyone reading this, knowing someone who may not be ok, but you don’t want to go past the surface level conversation or get in touch with those emotions, suck it up. Swallow that pride, because you could save that person’s life and not know it. Don’t wait to post on their walls, its meaningless, tell them while they are still in the flesh. The impact could change he or she’s life, or for the matter of that, yours…


Big City Dreamer


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