When I was younger, I was told to not have expectations for others because everyone will let you down at some point. Then there’s the Golden rule: treat others how you would like to be treated. I consciously started doing that more, yet I received nothing in return. When that was happening, I was so confused because I thought if I treated others well, I am suppose to get that in return. Not the case, it all comes down to where’s your heart at? My heart was at if I do this for you, you need to do that back. A. Selfish heart B. My expectations. Later on I was told I should figure out why I was doing what I was doing and if my heart was in the right place. Over the years my heart has been mending on the whole, have no expectations and do it with a giving heart not wanting heart.
This past year, I’ve done a lot of random acts of kindness for my family, friends, others and have received a few things in return without expectations. It was such a great feeling, of being known I am wanted, being thought of and cared for. However these past couple months I decided I love to make others happy and go out of my way to do nice things but I was like maybe I should leave the ball in there court now, just take a step back from making peoples day, be selfish for my own sake and see what happens. I have done that, I have not texted, laid low on the random acts and did not call. I tell you what; these past 5 months have been the most edifying, hurtful, tough, blessed, encouraging, and realizing months. The people who thought were my friends and did love me or cared for me, did not reach out to me. I am barely ever on my phone; I also deleted social media off my phone. Hardly any one texts me, no one really ever calls and people don’t ask anything about my life or what’s going on. When I see them, they ask why I haven’t talked to them and where I’ve been. Um, hello this works both ways and then they never know what to say or they are “busy”. Then I did come to conclusion, they really don’t care because if they did they would make time for your friendship and would keep in contact.
It’s so hurtful because I thought I could trust those people, if I stopped initiating everything that they’d be curious as too what is up. No, that is definitely not the case. I don’t really deserve or need people in my life that don’t want to genuinely ask me how my life is without me starting that conversation. It has shown me what type of a priority I am to those people and where I stand. It sucks and really hurts, however I am seeing the silver lining so clearly. I’ve been in constant prayer all year about having only edifying friendships, relationships and situations in my life. If that means cutting out literally everyone and some family members so be it. You and I do not need toxic friends in our lives; if they are not bringing positivity at all, why keep them around? Because you have known them the longest or you can use them from being not lonely? No, my logic is that if they don’t bring positivity in your life, boost you up, initiate some conversation or you cant trust, they shouldn’t be in your life. The only person I have a couple great friends, which I am so incredibly blessed and grateful for. I honestly have only 1 person I can rely on 100% with right now and that is my Lord and Savior, Jesus. I honestly never thought it’d come down to this and be completely ok with it. It might sound lame or dumb, its not! He is the ONLY person who will NEVER let you down, NEVER not care for you, Never not love you, NEVER not be there for you and NEVER just not be your friend. He is my everything; I’ve grown spiritually, mentally and emotionally so incredibly much these past couple of months because of the trials and tribulations I have been through. Without having others, using my phone or social media, its so nice to realize and see who is there for and you and who is not. It’s refreshing, comforting and life changing. As if it didn’t come at a right time either! God is amazing, His timing is PERFECT and He will never let you or me down that is His promise. (Psalm 55:22) Next time you feel so lonely or you need a change, do a friendventory or figure out what is negative in your life. You are the ONLY person that can change that area. Maybe talk to the Righteous Selfless, Merciful, and Graceful, PERFECT King because He has been and will always be waiting to hear from you (:
Big City Dreamer