Before I get deep, I just want to say thank you so much to my mum, for always knowing what to say when I was growing up, I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you before but I am doing it now (: Thank you to my lovely sister for always speaking your mind and being so patient when I chose to ignore your advice, Jaime for being so helpful during my first college years, Kayla for our hours of talking on the phone, bringing me wisdom to a lot of situations, and teaching me the word “edifying”. Audra, for listening to my crap and just sticking by my side through it all. Then last but definitely not least, Jesus, for being the Heavenly Father You so are and NEVER giving up on me, constantly pursuing me, even though some days You were the last person I’d want to talk to… Thank you for your unconditional grace, mercy, love and trust. You all have impacted my life these past couple of years and I love each and every one of you so much!
I just realized; this blog I am about to write can almost fold hand in hand with my less is more blog that I just published the other day, read below for more understanding:
Have you ever heard of that quote, ” As we grow up, we realize it becomes less important to have a ton of friends, and more important to have real ones.” This quote is really a summary of the season I am in and have been in. I recently just turned 20 and did not think I would have this good of head on my shoulders at this age. The past two years I have been very lonely, friendless and completely happy at the end of the day. Rewind, about four years ago, I could not stand being alone, I would have the worst anxiety and felt so worthless because I never really had that friend group. I was and constantly and still am the black sheep in a lot of friend situations, its tough but I’m realizing the silver lining to it. Going back about year and a half ago, is when I recommitted my life to Jesus, and it happened in the perfect timing, (The Lord’s timing is perfect). I was starting to recognize who were my real friends and who were my fake ones, sadly enough they all were pretty fake, including myself. I was the type of person who did not have a back bone to anything and I mean anything! I was a constant people pleaser and never did I want to say no to that person because I did not want them to be upset, lame right? No, correction, DESPERATE. I was so desperate for friends I literally would let them use me for basically anything. I was the person who always reached out beyond expectation because I wanted that in return, however, I rarely was ever reached out too and was not ever reciprocated the same feedback as I gave my friends. It was so bad I didn’t even realize it until one day it just hit me when I was sitting in my apartment working on homework for class. I let people use in high school so much, I was so desperate to keep them around because I wanted friends. Even though, its been a good year since I have talked to none of them, some even go to the same college as me and still no contact, I still would consider that a friend… sad, huh? I realized friends can be either a real designer bag or a fake knock off, look-alike designer bag. No matter the event or situation you are in, that bag will either be real or it will be fake, depending on which one you chose to have.
Remember, movies are just movies, rarely are they ever accurate about life situations, because keeping high school friends are the last thing I wanted to do. I wanted to get out of that bubble and meet people, meet the world and explore. I love meeting new people, I just didn’t want to put myself out there like I did in high school. No, in high school I had zero boundaries for myself, no backbone, no voice. Currently, I have now set up boundaries for myself, I do have a backbone and I do have a voice. Some people call that mean or other nasty words, it is only because they do not have control over me anymore. They can’t stand the fact I can stand up for myself and I am not afraid to anymore. I have learned that in life if everyone likes you, you are doing it wrong. That’s called a people pleaser, been there done that came back around and I am changing that pattern so the outcome can change as well. I am so independent these days its come to the point I am almost too independent, in other words; socially awkward, not yet actually it could happen though (;
I currently have four awesome really close friends that I can count on, One is back where I use to live, one is my sister, one i’ve known for five years and the other is Jesus. For once in my life, I am perfectly ok with that number and with the people I have in my life. Trust is a huge factor for me and being real, not in front of my face but also behind my back. Relationships are a lot of work and they take a lot of time to maintain if you want them to work, it takes two to tango. All I can handle right now are those four friendships and that’s ok! You do not need to be the most popular person in the room. Having deep intellectual conversations, going beyond surface level talk and actually getting to know the person is a love of mine, instead of three years ago, drunk OMG we’re best friends because we are a drunk together friendship. There’s a difference between best friends: someone’s closest friend. Friends: casually associate with each other and acquaintance: who knows each other but are not close. Please, I ask, do not get them all confused as one meaning because the word best friend now of days is so abused it is like the word love and that’s another story for a different time. Just remember in order to have a healthy friend relationship it is something you work hard at, do not give up easy on if you want it to last. I am really big into giving second chances however, if its something that keeps happening and I am being walked all over, it’s not a third chance, it’s not a mistake, it’s a poor choice I am continuing to make and need to reevaluate why am I doing this? A healthy friendship is also a two-way street, with communication being key, do not gossip behind each others back and just be real, in arguments always use I statements and be “quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” James 1:19-20. Here’s to a new year of a friendventory, get uncomfortable and just learn to be alone, you really do learn so much about yourself from being alone, you can go out to eat on your own timing, never be late to anything because you have yourself to worry about and just see the world with a new perspective by not having others hold you back by what they say. GO FIND YOURSELF!