10 months. I have reached 10 long, beautiful, stressful, abundant, heartache months. I cannot believe it’s been this long since I’ve made this move down unda; fun fact Aussies don’t actually pronounce their “r” so it actually sounds better when you don’t pronounce the r after under, just saying. Any who…
Tribulations, struggles, tears, heartache, physical, spiritual, mental and emotional exhaustion has been very prevalent on this trip. I feel like I’ve experienced a lot of whom people may think negative outlook or have been complaining but actually I’ve endured all of it and I am thankful for all the struggles I’ve been through. They have formed me into such a strong and independent woman and for that I cherish these hard times because if I didn’t, I would have left long ago and it would have been hell. Yes, it was almost unbearable at times but calling in the name of Jesus when you’re at such a weakness has so much power. Resting in Jesus name and just speaking truth over yourself when you’re at an all time low somehow some way brings you out of that trouble, it brings out of that fear or that anxiety. Even if you think screaming to air is crazy, we’ve all been there but He can hear you, I promise you that.
I recently re-committed my life to Christ back in late October. I, then, decided to get baptized again too. That moment for me was a moment of really living for a second; I was making a life or death decision, literally. I chose life that day, I chose to walk the narrow path, and I chose to live by faith and grace and the truth standards, not the worlds. Even if that means walking alone, I want to experience true love, mercy and grace on this side of Heaven because we all long to experience something deeper than what us humans can provide, right? I’m learning that is possible to experience that with Jesus being the love of your life, being your Sovereign God, Savior, Provider, Heavenly Father or Kenegdo.
Grace, we are given it every breathe we take and every day we are given. We cannot do life without grace or mercy. What I am continuing to remind myself every day is that just because I am a daughter of Jesus Christ or even was baptized does not mean I am perfect, does not mean I can live a perfect life, does not mean I can sin and nothing will happen to me, it simply means what I said; I am a daughter of Christ, who is following a perfect Savior. I am still broken, still bruised, still struggling, still sinning, still making mistakes but with the unconditional Grace and Mercy that Jesus provides daily for me, I can live this life abundantly and know that the Cross is enough for me. Jesus dying on that cross, breaking his body, shedding his blood, IS enough for me. This is the most beautiful, selfless perfect act anyone could EVER do. Beautiful is an understatement but with my comprehension for that audacious sacrifice, it’s the only word I know to describe it.
I am learning to be holy, not to be a goody-goody and follow every rule right and if I don’t I’m going to hell, no that’s silly. I am setting myself apart from the world and following what the truth is. I am walking that narrow path to glorify Jesus with my life and everything that is in it. If I fail, that’s ok. It’s ok to make mistakes, it’s ok to not be perfect, we can’t be perfect. We cannot achieve that on this side of Heaven because we have sin living, lurking around every crack and crevice of this earth, unfortunately.
Recently I have noticed I’ve made choices that I would not ever usually make, but for some odd reason, that taste of sin just got me going. It always starts out small and then you think, “oh well it’s not that big, God will forgive you, just do it, get it over with, no big deal.” Yes, hear me out, the Lord does and will forgive EVER sin you commit, however it also does come down to what is behind that sin, where is your heart in this decision and then realizing the choice being good or bad comes with asking for forgiveness/repenting. When you decided to make that decision of wanting to live your life for Jesus and want to walk that narrow path without a doubt, your mind set will start to change into wanting to glorify Jesus in everything you do. It’s hard to explain such a beautiful act, especially if you are very stubborn and do not want to change your ways, guilty but in order to want to understand it, it needs to be experienced first hand! Jesus can and will break those chains; break those habits IF you allow Him, He can also change your heart, restore that Joy of your salvation (Psalms 51:12), He can renew a new mind and spirit (Pslam 51:10), all you need to do is ask. Being in relationship with someone you can’t just expect him or her to know what you want, or to know everything about you. Yes, God does know everything about us and even the numbers of hairs on our head (how beautiful) but to be in relation with someone you should ask questions to flourish that relationship, if you don’t ask questions or talk about yourself to that other person, how are they suppose to know you?
Thankfulness. I am beyond thankful for this life I have been given, this trip I am able to go on and the opportunities that have presented themselves. It may be odd to be thankful for the struggles, the hardships, the abuse, the pain but from my perspective, it grows you in character, builds you into a stronger, more independent person, makes you view life with the glass half full, not empty. I am not happy or excited for what I have endured; there is a difference in being happy and being thankful. I hate that I went through this, if I could have done it another way though, I wouldn’t because you can’t do anything about “what if’s”, it is right now and how am I going to get through this. My answer to this tough yet beautiful life is Jesus. He is and will always be my final answer. I don’t know how I did life before or how I was even living before I wanted to live my life for Him. Ever since I made this decision, I feel more alive than ever, I feel I have purpose, I am content with who I am, where I am at and what I am doing. Despite my circumstances and not being where I want to be, I am ok with that. It does not mean I am a failure or I’m not going anywhere I am going somewhere because I am not where I was 10 months ago. It’s funny because I think about this a lot, if you would have asked me where I think I would be right now, I would have said somewhere on the East Coast, funny how life can through curve balls at you but it can be the most unplanned, beautifully inconvenient curve ball. To everything I have to say: Jesus, get to know Him, even if you have before, give Him another chance, He gives you another breathe of life, He provides daily for you without you even knowing, He died on that cross, shed His blood and broke His body for you to be where you are right now in this present moment. I say all this because we each have struggled some point in our lives or are struggling right now. Jesus is the answer to your problem. He might not physically, emotionally or spiritually get you out of that struggle because its all apart of your testimony however, it is just trusting Him with all your heart and not leaning on your own understanding, (Proverbs 3:5).Trust, trust, trust. Even if is the toughest thing you have ever had to do or cannot even do, just try try try. Who knows what may happen if you do, your life could turn around or stay the same but either way it trusting in Jesus is so utterly, categorically, glorifying.